This week has been a long and interesting one and I’ve had so much slumming around in my mind. I think I’ve really pegged my issue. I only really notice or talk to God when I notice something I dislike in my life. I want to see Him in every aspect of my life. What I can’t get over are the stupid pity parties I throw. When has He ever led me astray? When has He ever brought me into something that didn’t ultimately benefit my spirit and my life? Yes I could pull out the Zach and Con card those are still situations I am daily combating and learning to forgive and forget and yet I’ve learned so much about myself and the nature of forgiveness and what it means to be human from my experiences with them. I’ve come to realize that forgiveness is probably the hardest and yet best thing we can offer in this world. Yes holding a grudge seems like it might be better when you’ve been hurt, but I’ve come to learn that odds are you know absolutely nothing about that person and what they’ve been through. And if you do and you can’t forgive them you’re withholding the basic grace and mercy you are receiving on a daily basis. I cannot look at myself as a person who has been redeemed by Jesus and even think it is justifiable to withhold my forgiveness. All we have is one another and the love we choose to give and to withhold from one another. And I am desperately trying to be one who gives her love and does not with hold it. Yes it hurts a lot and yes sometimes I feel used, and mistreated and maybe even judged. But I guess that’s just another way for me to receive and offer forgiveness like Jesus gives me every day. I guess I’ve come to truly see the beauty and brokenness of humanity over the course of the past year. And yeah it is horrific, but then you see the beauty in that not only did our God embrace this lifestyle; he actually died to save that humanity. And it can only, literally, only be through that decision that we see the beauty in forgiving the horrific things we do to ourselves and to others. Yes seeing each other’s flaws and failures hurt but then we also are offered that heavenly moment of true unity within our brokenness and that is something that has God written all over it. I guess it’s really true, the shadow does prove the sunshine, but I also think you have to choose to let it.
so lately I haven’t been trusting God with much of anything in my life. I am ashamed at how easy it is for me to kind of go without talking to God until suddenly I notice I am not getting what I want and then it is so easy for me to offer him torrential conversation mostly full of me throwing pity parties. So these past couple of days I’ve reallly tried to stop and pray to my father, about my life. the good and the bad. because I want a relationship with him, and I would hope, and have hoped, and continue to hope that a desire for a relationship with him is the number one pursuit in my life. I want him to collide with me so much to point where I can’t tell what I am without him, because I don’t really want to be without him.
I think the most incredible thing about this all is the fact that in the end he is still there. through the tantrums I throw, through my lack of communication, and endless pity parties. he is there, and he listens to it all. and he hopes for me to come to my senses, and continues to work good in my life, and lead me in ways that I could never know to lead myself. My roommate and I were talking about this last night, how we as humans never really seem to stop loving a person. No matter how it ends, we still find ourselves thinking about people we loved and cared about, hoping their life is good, wondering how things turned out. And then my roommate said I can’t help but think that must be how it is with God. I loved that idea, that the foundation laid for us with our father is never gone, it doesn’t change, and despite the distant we put there or we feel it’s not gonna change. He still loves us and he doesn’t demand penance, or a million apologies, or anything really he is just so happy that we’ve come back to let him love us more.
It’s kind of incredible. and these are my rambling thoughts on a tuesday night of finals week.
today is the begining of the Lenten season. While most people consider it to be a more Catholic tradition, it has always been a part of my life since I was a young kid. I honestly don’t know why but the older I get the more I love the season of Lent. There is just something about recognizing our kind of lowliness as humans and then reocognizing that Jesus became that for us. The whole process of making a sacrifice in recognition of Jesus’ sacrifice is beautiful and then ending it with this glorious celebration of the resurrection. It is such a beautiful and life giving experience for me, fasting from something that I normally enjoy and then everytime I think about why I am not doing or recieving this thing I think about why. It is constantly drawing me into this reflection of the sacrifice Jesus made for me. I am excited to see what God is going to teach me through this period of Lent.